The Victim

 

As you all know, a couple of weeks ago my hubby ditched our family to go hang out in Haiti for a bit, ha! I was straight up petrified to be left alone without my back up for 10 days. Of course that week was also Ethan’s Spring Break, so that meant he would be home all day as well. Lord help me. I just knew that all of these factors added up would be a comedic gold mine; I mean how could it not?! One women’s fight against the world her 4 kids. So I promised to keep y’all abreast on my 10 days spent as a Supermom.

 

 

Then something happened…I was too busy and tired to even update everyone.

 

As I laid on the couch that Sunday dreading the week ahead, because the three days prior had kicked my tail quite nicely, I began to cry. It could have been utter exhaustion from daylight savings the night before, staying up the entire night with the kids, waking up 2 hours early, or the fact that I couldn’t have any communication with Sam while he was out of the country. But I didn’t know how we were going to survive this. Honestly, I began resenting Sam for leaving me. Why did he have to go? Ha!

Yes, I really am that dramatic. Remember, in my defense, I am also pregnant. Not that I still wouldn’t be that crazy anyway.

Then I recalled a conversation I had with Sam before he left, involving my hormonal nature and lashing out at the idea of him leaving me stuck at home with all 4 kids. He was going to go off and have a great time while I would be tortured here. Sam, trying to stay calm, looked over at me and said, “Why? They’re your kids. It doesn’t have to be torture.”

Ouch. In that moment I rationalized my feelings and why the days ahead would be hard, but on the couch Sunday night, I realized what he meant. I wasn’t babysitting. This job wasn’t temporary. I do this all the time. These are MY kids, for now and forever. Do I want them to think that all I did was survive? Was I going to claim defeat before the week had even started? No. This week was going to be what I made it. So I needed to change my thoughts on how it was going to go down and quit casting myself as the victim.

The next morning I put on my big girl panties, and my new goal was to make daddy jealous of how much fun we were going to have. We went to restaurants just the 5 of us, played at friends’ houses, went to birthday parties, and just did whatever we wanted. It was mommy time. They were ALL mine. By the end of each night I was beyond tired, like falling asleep on the couch at 7:30 every night kind of tired.  Even with all of the sweet memories we made, I have to honestly say there were moments that were less than flattering. Whether it was the two kid throw up days, the defiant moments in public, or the flat out struggles of will with our oldest, we went through it all. But I will tell you, in the throws of one of the bad days/moments I found myself thankful for these four precious kids. What a gift from the Lord they were. And looking down at my growing belly, I knew I could handle this next blessing. Granted it wasn’t going to be easy, but I had confidence all would be fine.

 

 

While I was really sad I had no way to talk to Sam during this time, I am thankful on the other hand. It forced me to be independent. It also forced me to look at my heart, because it was dirty. I needed to realize how I was viewing my children, my time with them that I took for granted, and responsibility to shape them into amazing, God fearing human beings. If I had the opportunity to talk to Sam, I think I might have found myself complaining. When I couldn’t voice my complaints to anyone, it seemed like they disappeared. It was the craziest thing. But the Lord knew what He was doing, gently nudging me until I could see what my heart had become. Thank you Lord for that!

Now everyday is not perfect, I will not even begin to lie to you about that. But I must say that l don’t feel my days are always spent on the defense. We are just living our life, with these messy, crazy kids. But they are MY kids, and that in itself is quite amazing.