Sitting in a cold, sterile room looking at instruments I didn’t want to even know what they were used for, I began to panic. I was all alone; just me and a chatty nurse going over too much information. As she spoke of IVs, fluids, scopes, and Godzilla it was suddenly too much. My face became flush, there was a lump in my throat, and I fought back the hot, bitter tears trying so desperately to flow free down my cheeks. Was I really going to do this? Could I? 
It’s funny how things happen sometimes. If you would have asked me a week ago my stance on more children, I would have eagerly informed you of my scheduled “sterilization” for the following week. But on the day of, in that scary room, my heart was unsure. I KNEW we were done having children. Biological children that is. One day, Lord willing, we’d love to adopt some. But the idea of this stage in our lives ending was almost too much to bear. I mourned those babies that would never be. I grieved the loss of future pregnancies filled with babies fluttering inside, feeling those hiccups, the big round belly, and waddling like a penguin.
The finality of this decision became real.
There was a fear something might go wrong. You see, I’m a worst case scenario, the glass is half empty, kind of gal when it comes to medical things. And with my family’s record for living in the “small percent” category, I had a reason to think that way. When the anxiety coupled with fear bubbled up it just about sent me leaping over the edge. My emotions ran ramped, but I kept it together long enough to follow through with my original decision. And as I lay there with the scope in my nether regions, I received the odd pleasure of seeing the inside of my uterus. The place all 5 of my babies lived for 9 months…Let’s just say it’s not The Four Seasons, ha! I should really consider some redecorating. It’s a little drab.
The procedure took less than 10 minutes. It was finished; I was done. Forever. And then I cried. While the pain was great, I didn’t weep for that. My babies were getting older and there wouldn’t be another. In hind site I probably shouldn’t have scheduled this procedure the week one of my babies headed to Kindergarten and another learned to roll over. They just grow up SO fast. How does that even happen?!
With the dust has settled and my emotions in check, life doesn’t seem that different. I STILL have 5 precious babies that I GET to enjoy. Plus, I get to work on my rockin’ mom bod! Soon I’ll be the hottest mom of 5 around!
Thanks for sharing this. You aren’t alone, mama! I know we are done too and sometimes feel that same loss – and I should definitely follow your lead and work on the rockin body! 🙂
That must be so hard. I’m NOT looking forward to it. You’re brave, mama! Hugs to you!
Aww! Yes, I would probably be the same way. The finality. Kinda sickening I bet. But this is good! You’re one tough cookie!
You are precious. Husband and I were just talking about how quickly Kamden is going to grow up — and he’s not even here yet! You’re an awesome, hot mama of five blessed children. Thank you for sharing this sacred moment!
Man I have anxiety just reading this lol. I’m having a serious bout of baby fever (while logically telling myself to wait), but I can’t imagine the finality of being done yet. I CAN imagine the rockin’ done-having-babies bod- so congrats on that! Ha!!
I agree with the Emily above I had anxiety reading this too and a strong desire to hold your hand. That must have been hard but thanks for sharing. Your awesome as always and have 5 cute kiddos. As for the rocking mom bod please tell me how you do it because I so need some help in that department somedays I just feel so drab.
I’m sad with you. We have had anything permanent done, because I’m not sure I can handle it emotionally. 🙂
But here’s to going a full year without getting knocked up!!! Ha!
Aw, Brittany 🙁
I felt the same way when we scheduled and followed through with my husband’s vasectomy. I literally cried in the elevator on the way to the car and made him promise that if we felt we needed more children that we would adopt. The pain, or maybe regret, has eased over time as I have become more used to the idea and more embracing of the stage we are at now. But it is a strange place to be in where you have to become used to the idea that you are complete with that stage of life that I had looked forward to for my entire life.
All that rambling to say I get you on this one.
The finality. It makes me sad just to think about. 🙁 But, I’m in the same place you are, except I just haven’t been to “THAT” place yet. 😉 I need to do it. No more for us, either.
First off Brittany! You are possibly the hottest Mom of 5 now. Lol. It takes great courage to make these type of decisions. I acknowledge your openness to share, to feel and to heal. You are one heaven of a woman.
oh and you have such a precious family!
I’m not there yet, but I’m dreading the day. I’m not emotionally ready for that at all. Thoughts with you girl!