It’s raining outside, I’m holding a steaming cup of coffee in my favorite Arkansas Razorback mug, and a cuddly, soft newborn is sleeping peacefully on my chest. Jealous?! I would be too. So instead of ruining the moment, I’ve decided to sit back and savor it. Because of that I’m letting a friend take over the blog for a moment. Today We have the sweet Mary Evelyn from What Do You DO, Dear? sharing her heart and a little bit about herself! Please show her some love and leave a comment!
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My son Simeon just turned one. He’s blond, he’s cuddly, he’s oh-so-munchable– and he uses a wheelchair. In all likelihood, my son will not walk.
Being the mother of a child with disabilities is rough. It’s also beautiful, and silly, and more normal than you would think.
But today I’m not writing about my son. No. I want to talk about friendship.
Some of you may have friends with children like mine. I know our brand of mommy-hood seems pretty heavy, but there’s something you should know:
We want you to share your troubles with us.
In fact, our friendship won’t survive if we only talk about my struggles.
Seriously.
I spoke with a dear friend recently. Let me tell you, this girl’s been through the ringer. Job change, marriage upsets, health issues– everything colliding in a stress trifecta intent on giving her a meltdown. She was on the edge. I wish I
could have been there for her, really I do– but I couldn’t. Not because I was too busy. Not because my son’s needs sucked all my energy. Nope. I couldn’t be there because I didn’t know anything was wrong. She didn’t tell me. And this happens to moms like me a lot. Why? In her words:
“Because I know you have so much going on with Simeon. My problems are silly by comparison. I should just be thankful.”
Huh!? So, we’ll only share struggles that are as bad as having a child with a disability? I say “nonsense.” Jeez-Louise– I don’t even hold myself to such ludicrously high standards.
Case in point: Want to know what I did when I stubbed my toe today? I got angry. I cried. I may have said a potty word (don’t tell my dad). I did not, however, nod my head wisely saying, “Well, it’s just a toe– not nearly as bad as having a disabled child. I should be thankful” — because that would make me nutty as a fruitcake. Also it would mean I might be a robot.
This is what I told my well-meaning friend, but it’s also what I’m telling you and anyone who befriends a mom like me:
I love our friendship. I don’t want to lose it. But we can’t maintain our relationship, our closeness, our girl-friendly love if you only tell me the good things in your life. Friends share– the good, the bad, and the ridiculous. No comparisons, no judgements about who has it worse– just 6th-grade-slumber-party style honesty. Let’s ignore the wheelchair in the room. Go ahead and spill it, Sister!
And the next time you’re in the midst of struggle, you have a bad day, or stub your toe– call me, tweet me, or dispatch a carrier pigeon. My mommy-road has been rocky, but chances are you’ve been there for me. All I want is the opportunity to do the same for you.
by Mary Evelyn Smith // Writing the honest truth about our new normal at What Do You Do, Dear? // Learn more about our adventures and life with Spina Bifida here.
Thanks Mary Evelyn!
I LOVE this! I wish we could feel the need to share more sometimes… because it helps us realize that we are not alone. We were meant for relationships and should not go through this life alone. Great post! And hello! 🙂
I struggle with sharing everything a lot too. For the most part I tend to hold it all in until I melt down on my husband over something tiny. We moved out of state 4ish years ago and I haven’t done a great job at keeping up with my friends. But, the great thing is, when we’re actually together in the same room, no matter how long it’s been, it’s like we just saw each other yesterday and everything comes pouring out.
This is a great reminder that friendships are both give and take. We are meant to be in one sided relationships. I have found myself from time to time keeping quiet over my hurt after hearing anothers story because for a minute it just felt so irrelevant, but all that did for me was leave me lonely in my pain.
Exactly Jana. It can’t help a friendship if one person remains silent. Ya gotta share that stuff!
this is great! i love it! oh how dear friendships are to our hearts. we surely are not meant to live life alone, thank God we are able to walk in it with others, weeping, mourning, rejoicing together! : )
I absolutely love this post. I’m now also following your blog, twitter, instragram, and facebook. I love “your voice” on this, and couldn’t agree more with your post! Friendships are a two way street. Thanks for the post. I’m sharing it!
Thanks Jenn! Glad you found all my social media doo-dads! 🙂
A good girlfriend is a diamond in a rough, and she is precious! Really loved this post. 🙂 And, yes, let’s be friends!
I love your candidness and frankness. I think through blogging we sometimes feel we have to show how amazing our life is or how awful it is with humor. And let’s be truthful, it’s not always perfect, funny or exciting. Thanks for reminding us we are all here for each other. 🙂
Great reminder MEV!! I am so lucky Mary Evelyn is not only my friend, she is my cousin!! I now have a new blog to follow, thank you! Hi Brittany…I have 4 kids too! Life is absolutely crazy sometimes!!
1) Your son is adorably precious and has the best smile ever!
2) Wow. Perspective!
3) Thank you.
Mary Evelyn, I will go from blog to blog to read your words and insights! Thank you for sharing the blogs you follow with your readers, too!
I would love nothing more than to be friends with YOU, Ms. Mary Evelyn! You rock. And there is nothing “disabled” about your son. To the contrary– there are those that might envy you for having such an AWESOME little boy. 😉
xoxo
Great post, Mary Evelyn! I miss you, friend… Xoxo
Mary Evelyn, I already consider us to be friends, but after reading this, don’t be surprised if you get a private message from me sometime when I’m having a meltdown. You asked for it!!!!!
Heheh. Bertie– Bring it.
I’ve been friends with a woman with a special needs child, a boy who has off the charts epilepsy. For the past 12 years her life has been extremely hard. I’ve tried so hard to be a good friend, always there for her through this entire journey. But honestly I’m getting burned out. It feels so one sided. I get tired of her taking days to answer texts and phone calls, cancelling plans, always doing things on her schedule. She’s said that many of her friends have drifted away and I totally understand. Recently she cancelled on a plan we made months ago and I feel really hurt. I don’t ask for much and this was important to me. (She didn’t cancel for a medical reason and could have gone). I don’t know what to do. I know the friendship means a lot to her and I do love and care very much about her. She struggles with depression and has thoughts of suicide and I’m afraid of how it will affect her if I say anything. I’m a good person but I’m not a saint and I have needs too. Do I tell her how she hurt me?